Blog
Taming the Beast of Queer Shame
Although this article talks about shame as a reaction specifically to queer identity, it beautifully outlines more broadly the ways in which shame, and the defenses used to control it, is experienced as trauma, and how deeply shame can impact our relationship with ourselves. |
Psychiatry's Mind-Brain Problem
NY Times article on the history of psychiatry. |
Interesting thoughts on love and relationships
"I meet a lot of people and believe me I'm not afraid of dating, but there are so few men who I'm compatible with- it's pathetic!" Those were the pained, frustrated words of a young woman seated across from me in my office during her second therapy session. Outgoing, attractive, intelligent and kind - she seemed to have all the attributes of someone's ideal mate. And she wanted to find love; she devoted ample time and energy to it. I felt for her. But I knew from my professional experience, that her frustration didn't stem from something external. We needed to look inside.
We all have the sense that finding intimacy and love defies logic and planning. But so much of the advice out there seems to employ just that. Take matching sites. Millions of Americans, more than 11%, use on-line dating services. All of these sites promote their unique approaches to matching and the logic of compatibility. Match.com the most popular site, makes the claim in its name. OkCupid advertises that their "matching algorithm" does the trick, and eHarmony promotes its "29 dimensions of compatibility." Not that compatibility doesn't matter, sharing a sense of values and vision for life is an important base for relating, but contrary to popular belief, compatibility is not a major factor in successful relationships. And what's more, true compatibility isn't something that happens or can be surmised from an on-line profile, but is created and nurtured over time. In fact, matching can set up unreasonable expectations and causes people to obsess over how they present themselves- how they look, how they describe their histories, interests and activities. Flirting, dating and even sex become performances to mask insecurity, raising anxiety and sinking the likelihood of making a real connection.
Founder & Executive Director Access Institute |
Reading
Bessel van der Kolk's new book is out which combines his work on trauma, neuroscience, the body, and attachment. You can read a description and order a copy from the publisher here: http://www.penguin.com/book/the-body-keeps-the-score-by-bessel-van-der-kolk-md/9780670785933 |